Self Image & The Search For Truth
How self image leads to pain, truth as a north start, and building a resilient mind
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I read a passage this week on how self-image leads to pain that I thought did a really good job of explaining how tough it can be when we get wrapped up in being a certain kind of way or a certain type of person. Below I share the passage and then explore why I think it’s a useful idea to think about.
“Why divide problems as major and minor? Is not everything a problem? Why make them little or big problems, essential or unessential problems?
If we could understand one problem, go into it very deeply however small or big it is, then we would uncover all problems. This is not a rhetorical answer. Take any problem: anger, jealousy, envy, hatred—we know them all very well. If you go into anger very deeply, not just brush it aside, then what is involved? Why is one angry? Because one is hurt, someone has said an unkind thing; and when someone says a flattering thing you are pleased. Why are you hurt? Self-importance, is it not? And why is there self-importance?"
“Because one has an idea, a symbol of oneself, an image of oneself, what one should be, what one is or what one should not be. Why does one create an image about oneself? Because one has never studied what one is, actually. We think we should be this or that, the ideal, the hero, the example. What awakens anger is that our ideal, the idea we have of ourselves, is attacked. And our idea about ourselves is our escape from the fact of what we are. But when you are observing the actual fact of what you are, no one can hurt you. Then, if one is a liar and is told that one is a liar it does not mean that one is hurt; it is a fact. But when you are pretending you are not a liar and are told that you are, then you get angry, violent. So we are always living in an ideational world, a world of myth, and never in the world of actuality. To observe what is, to see it, actually be familiar with it, there must be no judgment, no evaluation, no opinion, no fear.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
Self-Image Leads To Pain
I read this passage earlier this week and have thought a lot about how our ideas about who and what we are can lead to a lot of mental anguish.
We Build An Identity As We Grow Up - I think as we grow up we start to build a vision of the kind of person we are in the world. We construct this vision of ourselves over time as we experience life, try new things, relate to other people. We start to build this mental model of ourselves that includes things like:
Things We Might Identify With
I'm athletic
I like chocolate chip muffins
I care a lot about my friends
I'm not good at public speaking
I really dislike cities
I'm a good brother and a good son
Our Identities Are Based In What We Believe To Be True About Ourselves and The World - We form these identities based on things we believe to be true about ourselves. On the one hand, this building of identity is awesome because it helps us navigate the world, figure out the stuff we enjoy doing, and decide on what kinds of people we like being around.
Our Identities Can Hurt Us When They Are Thrown Into Doubt - On the other hand, these identities we form are a double-edged sword because when they are called into question either through an experience we have in which we began to doubt ourselves or when someone else calls it into question, it can lead to a tremendous amount of pain.
For example, if I have an idea that I am really good at math, but then I have a hard time with a math problem, or I meet someone that does certain types of math much better than I do, or worse someone tells us we're bad at math that can stir up all kinds of negative feelings and emotions because this thing we identify with, this idea that we've folded into our identity is being called into question.
And I think when our identities are challenged it can be extremely disconcerting.
Ideas Are Abstractions of Reality
The thing I find really useful to think about when I'm caught up in some type of internal struggle - i.e. I can't figure this math problem out and I should be able to figure this math problem out because I'm good at math - is to remind myself that words are not reality, they are abstractions of reality.
Often Times Our Identities Are Grounded In Vague Or Absolute Ideas - An example can help illustrate that words are abstractions of reality.
If we consider the idea "I am good at math" we can see that it's pretty vague and not specific enough to accurately represent reality. Does being "good at math" mean you can solve every single math problem ever? Does it mean that you are better than everyone else at every kind of math problem? Does it mean that you can complete all kinds of math problems no matter the difficulty or type in under a certain amount of time?
Rigid Identities Lead To Suffering - I think one of the particularly thorny things about self-image and ideas about who we are is they are often vague, generalizations, or inflexible. For example, if you ask 10 different people what “being good at math” means you are likely to come up with 10 unique answers. Being “good at math” is not specific enough so it’s easy to call it into question or run into moments where the truth of that idea is threatened.
I think when our ideas of ourselves are vague, absolute, or generalizations we suffer more because we run into things that challenge those ideas far more frequently.
Look For Truth Instead of Proving Your Identity - As a result, whenever I feel like I should have already accomplished something or handled a situation a certain way or been perceived by others in a certain light I find it helpful to ask myself "Why do I think this is true"?
Ground Yourself In Truth To Avoid Pain
I think if you use "truth", something that is objective and grounded in reality, as your north star in life and what you orient yourself towards, I believe you avoid pain more often.
A Focus On Truth Makes It Harder To Generalize Or Make Absolute Statements - For example, if you ground yourself in truth you probably avoid generalizations like I am good at math because it’s extremely unspecific and not helpful in terms of knowing what's true. If I am good at math does that mean I can do the math to figure out the amount of propulsion a rocket needs to get into orbit? A focus on the truth I think biases you towards specificity.
Truth Makes Everything More Clear - This focus on truth is important I think because it makes things abundantly clear. It's not about whether you are "good at math or not" it is now about whether you know how to do the math to figure out the propulsion a rocket needs to get into orbit. It's very clear whether it is true or not.
Truth Makes Absolutes Seem Silly - Additionally, you likely start to realize that absolutes such as "I can solve any math problem" are unrealistic ideas.
Recognizing That Absolutes Are Unrealistic Makes Us Lean Into Complexity - When we realize absolutes are unrealistic I think we also start to realize that the world is far more nuanced than it is black and white, which gives us a greater appreciation for truth.
We Start To Apply This Complexity To Our Own Identities As Well - Instead of seeing yourself as "good at math" you might start to think "I enjoy math and depending on the math problem can usually do a decent job working through it".
The former is an idea about ourselves we get attached to. The latter I think shows a deeper understanding of reality, recognizing that while we have an inclination for math we have not seen every kind of math problem. As a result, we acknowledge that we on average work through math problems well, but that does not mean it will be true for every situation.
When We Ground Ourselves In Truth vs. In An Image Of Ourselves I Think We Become Extremely Resilient - I think grounding ourselves in truth helps a lot because your identity becomes way more flexible - i.e. your main focus is geared towards figuring out what is true instead of preserving this image of yourself in your mind.
This vision of ourselves is more resilient because we know we will always be updating our image of who we are as we get new information. Our search for truth makes us flexible, adaptable, and more curious.
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