Relational Intelligence Part 1 - Listening & Supporting
Deepen your relationships by consciously listening and not trying to solve everyone
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Conscious Listening Is The Bedrock of Relationship
“So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it” - J. Krishnamurti
Relational intelligence is the most important subject I’ve worked on this year and it will drastically improve how you show up in your relationships. Specifically, I want to talk about conscious listening, supporting vs solving, and how you can practice those skills to show up better for the people in your life.
Before diving in I want to give a shoutout to Sail and their brilliant relational intelligence course for turning me onto some of these ideas. Sail is a wellness platform for men and if that sounds up your alley I could not recommend their platform more to you. Another critically important source has been the Book of Life by J. Krishnamurti, which I highly recommend if you're looking to deepen your understanding of conscious listening.
I Would Always Miss Something In A Conversation
The first key to relating well to others is what we call conscious listening. The difference here between ordinary listening is the word conscious - which implies making an effort to listen.
Conscious listening is not something I practiced until recently. During conversations I was never 100 percent present. There was always the active monologue in my head, thoughts about work, or whatever I was pondering before a conversation started. Paying attention to what someone is saying is, at first, an obvious idea, but something that is tricky to do effectively and I had to work hard to put into practice. In addition to the mental monologue there is a host of worldly distractions- phone calls, random noises, texts on your phone, people talking around you, and many more. All of these external stimuli competed for my attention and in order to actually listen I needed to practice tuning them out and being present.
You Can't Form Strong Relationships When You Don't Actively Listen
For most of my life I've probably heard 85% of what was said to me in any given conversation, which is sort of crazy if you think about it. Obviously in certain conversations that % has been higher - particularly if the topic was important to me.
However, as I reflected on it, admitting that I was not hearing 100% of what someone says in my conversations was not something I wanted to continue for a few reasons.
Waste of Time - Engaging in conversations and not paying attention wastes everyones time as you either need to repeat yourself or parts of the communication get missed.
Can’t Fully Engage In The Conversation - Additionally, I realized that when I would miss part of what someone said there is this weirdness where you don't want to interrupt them to repeat themselves or acknowledge that you zoned out. As a result, you're engaging in the conversation with less information than the other person and you can't fully participate.
Obstacle To Developing Strong Relationships - More importantly, not hearing everything someone says is an obstacle to forming strong relationships. The realization for me, and this may be obvious, is if I want the people in my life to feel valued, seen, and heard I had to start by hearing everything that was said to me in conversation.
I realized that if I was not 100% there and fully present, in mind as well as body, there was no way I could fully show up for the people in my life.
How To Practice Hearing Everything In A Conversation
As a result, what I've practiced a lot this year is conscious listening and being mindful in conversations.
Eliminate Distractions - Phone in pocket and off. Laptop screen closed. If people try to talk to me while I’m in the middle of something I ask for some time so I can finish what I’m doing before engaging. These are some examples but eliminating distractions has been huge because nothing competes for your attention and the person feels appreciated that you made an effort to be present.
Pay Attention & Put Effort Into Listening - When in conversation imagine that what the person is saying is the single most important thing in the world. It is a simple idea but I have found it to be effective in pushing me to put more effort into listening. Applying that level of focus and energy is key to really hearing what the other person is saying.
These are a few basic first steps to simply hearing all the words that are said in a conversation. Next I want to talk about coming in with a clear mind in order to be fully present to what the person is saying and not misinterpret them.
Listening With A Clear Mind And No Ideas
“How do you listen? Do you listen with your projections, through your projection, through your ambitions, desires, fears, anxieties, through hearing only what you want to hear, only what will be satisfactory, what will gratify, what will give comfort, what will for the moment alleviate your suffering? If you listen through the screen of your desires, then you obviously listen to your own voice; you are listening to your own desires........Listening has importance only when it is not projecting one’s own desires through which one listens. Can one put aside all these screens through which we listen, and really listen?” - J. Krishnamurti
The second effort conscious listening asks us to make is to simply be present in our conversations without bringing in any of our previous biases, desires, experiences, and assumptions. The reason being, is when you introduce this layer of your own thoughts and ideas into the conversation you are no longer hearing what the person is saying. You are hearing their words through the filter of your own ideas, desires, and experiences.
Listening Without Ideas Lead To True Understanding
This can be a hard idea to explain so I’ll use one example of how showing up with ideas might happen in a conversation.
Using Previous Experience As A Filter
A good example is when Isabella starts a conversation by saying - "Darling, can I show you something?". When Isabella has said this in the past it has often been because I missed something or did something that she sees as having been done incorrectly. Previously, I have gotten annoyed or defensive in some of those moments. As a result, the moment she says those words the feeling of being annoyed or defensive come back before she has even had the opportunity to show me anything.
As a result, I'm hearing her next words through the lens of my previous experiences. This results in poor communication for a few reasons. For one, I'm no longer paying complete attention to what she is saying and two I'm already feeling a certain way before she has even said anything.
Listening Without Ideas
To actually listen, to consciously listen, one needs to be fully present in the conversation. For me, this has been extraordinarily difficult and incredibly rewarding. It’s been difficult because it requires you to practice mindfulness when you engage with others and specifically pay attention to 1) am I hearing the words the person is saying and 2) am I adding my own interpretation to those words or am I taking them at face value.
There are many filters we bring to conversations such as our experiences, ideas we have about how the world should be, and our desires. Suspending those while we listen is tough to do actively, but ultimately allows you to connect much better with others and hear them more clearly.
Below I dive into some of the ways I have practiced listening with no ideas.
Practicing Listening With A Clear Mind And No Ideas
“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness” - Unknown
Give Yourself A Moment Before Responding - Before responding, force yourself to take a second and gut check how you're feeling. Creating space between what someone says and when you respond gives you the opportunity to double check how you're feeling, get a sense of why you're feeling that way, and then respond vs. simply reacting.
Ask Yourself What Did The Person Say And What Are They Trying To Communicate, Specifically - To get rid of this lens of previous experience its important to ground yourself in what the person said to you. If Isa said, “you keep leaving the towel on the bed”. I might interpret that as I'm thoughtless and never hang the towel up. However, all she's trying to communicate is the towel is on the bed, it has happened more than once, and it would be sweet if it stopped, which I can understand.
Clearing my mind of previous judgement, experience, and desires when listening has been freaking hard, but also amazing and something I will work on forever. The benefit of trying here is you’ll understand people much better and as a result empathize more deeply with them. Second, people in your life will feel more heard and understood. They will value that you are seriously listening to them and will appreciate that tremendously. The result is that you’ll feel more connected to others.
Next I want to talk about how listening goes further and extends to how you respond while in conversations with others.
Focus On Supporting To Strengthen Your Relationships
"One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person's pain without trying to "fix" it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person's mystery and misery." ~ Parker J. Palmer
Trying To Solve Your Relationships Creates Distance
I know that quote references pain but this idea of being present without trying to "fix"something is true of any interaction. Often, in my relationships, I saw everything as a nail, and I, the hammer. Had a bad conversation with your bother - I’ve got a solution. Frustrated at work - I’ve got a solve for you. Unsure of how to navigate a conversation - here are some ideas you can try.
We’re Trained To Solve Problems
As you can imagine trying to solve people’s problems when they have not asked for help is frustrating to be on the receiving end of and will often feel like the other person is not listening. Hilariously, it was a natural reaction for me and still is for many people I know. We are trained to solve problems from birth - we do this in school when we learn math or answer questions on tests. We then create companies or go to work where we solve more problems - this time in the real world. And the news we read and information we get lets us know about the problems outside our lives, what people think of those problems, and what’s being done about them. It’s no wonder we bring the problem-solving approach to our relationships as that model is so commonplace in our life.
Focusing On Solving Creates Distance
However, when we seek to solve before we understand, and when we seek to provide our own assessment before we hear what the other person needs we are actively communicating that we don't know how to listen or we don't care to listen - both of which are detrimental to relationship.
"The human soul doesn't want to be fixed, it simply wants to be seen and heard” ~ Parker J. Palmer
Supporting Tactic To Help You Connect More Deeply
There are a number of ways you can focus on supporting vs. solving, but broadly the idea is to focus on listening and understanding what the other person is communicating. Additionally, it is about respecting the person enough to trust that they are in the best position to determine what they need.
In practice this shows up with a few ideas that I learned in my relational intelligence course with Sail that have been huge:
Acknowledging - Confirm that you hear how the person feels and be there with them in that feeling.
Mirroring - Repeat and share what you think you heard to confirm you understand what the person is trying to communicate.
Gentle Inquiry - Ask questions in a way that deepens your understanding of what the person is communicating. Do this in a way that does not make them feel judged or attacked. Additionally, ask questions that help you understand what the person wants out of the conversation (to vent, help with the problem, etc).
Now I'll dive into some details on how this has shown up in my life and what I used to do. I'm going to use the example of Isabella having a bad day at work (thanks for volunteering to continue being an example and I’m sorry they have leaned negative!).
Examples Of Supporting In Action
Example Conversation Starter - Isabella: “I had a rough day at work today. A bunch of people were calling out left and right and I had no time to work on this project I was excited about. Additionally, I have no idea what is going on with our core product rollout and it’s been tough to get clarity on the vision for it.”
Acknowledging
In Practice
Me Doing This Poorly: “Have you communicated that you're not pumped to your boss?”
Me Doing This Well: “Sounds like a hectic day!”
Impact - Acknowledging helps people feel validated in what they are feeling and also seen in what they are trying to express.
Mirroring
In practice:
Me Doing This Poorly: Have you tried working on the project at night when you get home since your days are pretty unpredictable?
Me Doing This Well: Sounds like you had pretty much no time today to do what you wanted and you really want to work on these other projects.
Impact - Mirroring shares what you heard to make sure you understood correctly and gives the person an opportunity to confirm your understanding and expand upon it. Mirroring is a freaking amazing tactic to not only help you better understand what the person is saying but it really helps others feel heard. It may seem redundant, but language is imperfect at capturing everything we feel and often when we communicate we don't get our ideas across perfectly the first time.
Gentle Inquiry
In Practice
Me Doing This Poorly: Have you told your boss what's going on?
Me Doing This Well:
Is this something that happens often?
Is there something you're looking to change or figure out?
Do you want help thinking through anything?
Impact - Gentle inquiry probes deeper into what the person is saying so you can better understand what they are expressing. This allows the person communicating to guide what they need and want out of the conversation. This avoid you assuming what the person or situation needs, which can make sharing frustrating and make it seem like you're not listening.
Extra Tips
Do's
Ask People What They Need - Do you want to bounce some ideas on work stress stuff or do you want a sounding board?
This can help you figure out what the person needs vs. assuming. It gives them the opportunity to clarify what they want.
Dont's:
Advice: A good way to deal with work stress is to meditate in the morning
Why Questions (More Jarring and Seems Like You’re Questioning Judgement): Why are you getting stressed from work?
Make Assumptions: Sounds like you get stressed pretty often with work?
Benefits of Supporting and Not Solving
As I've put these ideas into practice in my conversations a number of amazing things have happened:
Conversations Flow More Smoothly - Less arguing, less correcting of each other, less talking over others, less irritation.
People Seek Me Out More Often To Talk - You become a source of strength and support since talking to you is less jarring and you're a more helpful sounding board.
I Understand The People In My Life Better and Connect More Deeply - By listening deeply to people, I can better show up for and support them.
I Feel Better In Conversations - Feel less resistance internally or weight on me in conversations. This happens because I'm not creating any expectations for myself by trying to "help" everyone.
Obviously I'm far from perfect but it has felt really good to put these ideas into practice as the results have been awesome in my relationships (at least I think so). I can't recommend it enough.
Putting It All Together To Deepen Your Connections
First off, I'm sorry to everyone in my life if I have ever treated you like a nail. Needed to get that out there.
Second, working through these ideas and putting them into practice has been eye-opening and mind blowing.
These practices have helped me understand the people in my life more deeply and also more quickly understand what is the best way I can support them.
By practicing conscious listening and coming into conversations as a blank slate you give yourself the opportunity to really be present and hear what is being said to you. By practicing supporting vs. solving you become a source of strength and support for the people in your life vs. one that pokes, prods, and agitates. If you're looking to deepen your relationships with the people in your life and show up better for others I can't recommend these practices enough!
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To Living Well,
Alvaro
Weekly Live Well Recs
Read of the week 📖: Book of Life - J. Krishnamurti
Product of the week 🍯: Sail - Wellness platform for men and their Relational Intelligence course