Non-Violent Communication - How To Not Throw Punches With Words
A framework for how to communicate in a way that enables stronger connections and helps you get what you need more effectively
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I picked up a book called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) recently and it opened my eyes to how we can communicate in a healthier way with each other. Let me first start by saying that the word "non-violent" used to make me roll my eyes. As someone that believes in the accessibility of how something is branded, non-violent definitely was an immediate turn off for me. The reason being is as someone that leans more often than not to say what I'm thinking I felt like the words NVC were guiding me to tip toe around people.
However, NVC is not about mincing words, its about learning to communicate in a way that makes saying what's on your mind and resolving conflict easy. Below I'll dive into the non-violent communication framework and how you can apply it to your life.
What Does Non-Violence Mean
The idea here is that all humans have an enormous capacity for compassion and empathy, but when their needs are not met they resort to "violent" behavior - i.e. yelling, judging, criticizing, attacking, etc.
NVC suggests that by expressing our needs more clearly we make it possible for others to connect with us compassionately and find a path forward where both parties can have their needs met.
As someone that has been practicing non-violent communication, I want to say first off its hard and awkward (ask my wife, she's my guinea pig), but I believe the results promised by learning how to communicate this way are worth the strain. To properly understand the importance of NVC its key to understand what is meant by "violence", how it shows up in our communication, and the effects it can have on others.
What Falls Into the Violent Category
Violent communication is when we use coercion, manipulation, or judgements when talking to each other. Sounds pretty bad right? Also kind of fascinating that the vast majority of people use violent communication regularly and are not consciously aware of it. The best way to understand violent communication is to understand the different ways it shows up in our communication and through examples. Here are the different types of violent communication:
Types of Violent Communication
Moralistic judgements - When we assign levels of "goodness" and "badness" to people, how they behave, and what they say.
Making comparisons - When we evaluate what others have said and done against something else that we perceive to be better (i.e. the way you cook is worse than the way Isa cooks).
Denial of responsibility - When we communicate in a way that assigns responsibility to others for how we feel.
Demands - When we attempt to force outcomes.
Merit based evaluations - When we make statements based on what we believe people do or don't deserve.
These are the general forms of communication we leverage that interfere with our ability to connect with others and express ourselves in a way that allows them to understand where we are coming from. Below I'll dive into each one.
Moralistic Judgements
Moralistic judgements is when we label people, and their behavior, based on our interpretation of what that behavior means about them as people. For example, someone that raises their voice in meetings might be labeled as assertive by some and an a$$-ho!@ by others. How we label people is entirely based on how we interpret different behaviors.
Examples of moralistic judgements
The problem with you is that you're selfish
He's lazy and does not work hard
What you're doing is inappropriate
Don't be so reckless
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Non-Violent Communication, identifies that our use of moralistic judgements results from our inability to clearly express what we need. For example, when we say "that homework assignment is unreasonable", we are making a judgement that our teacher is an unreasonable person. He suggests that behind our judgement what really might be going on is an unmet need. In this example, we might feel overwhelmed with the homework assignment and need our teacher to take into consideration all of the other work we have been assigned that week.
Analysis of Others Is Another Form Of Moralistic Judgement
Analyzing others is considered another version of not clearly expressing our own needs and values. For example, if Isabella wants me to spend more time with her and I say “you’re so needy” this is an analysis of her behavior and will likely promote defensiveness.
What Happens When We Talk In Judgements?
Judgements and analyses harm our ability to effectively communicate with each other and they are a result of our own inability to express ourselves clearly. Judgments and analyses focus on how someone else's behavior is wrong in some form or another.
To use the example above, when Isabella says "she wants to spend more time with me" her need to spend more time together in that moment might not align with what I need, and that's okay. If I respond by saying "you're so needy" it makes her feel bad and is impossible for Isabella to understand what I need because I have not communicated it to her.
Often, when we fail to communicate what we need we resort to pronouncing behaviors as "wrong". When we focus on people’s "wrongness" they are far more likely to respond defensively vs. connecting with us in a way where they can understand what we need and meet us there. If they do respond the way we hope it will likely be out of guilt or shame (I don’t want to be needy or make him feel like I’m clingy), which also doesn’t enable authentic connection.
Making comparisons
Another way we can judge people is by making comparisons. It’s the perfect way to make others miserable, which is by putting into stark contrast where they fall short or are less than.
A good example of making comparisons is if Isabella does not want to edit my newsletter and I respond by saying, "but Parker Palmer's wife has been editing his writings weekly for 30 years". I just made Isa feel terrible and have not helped her understand what I need.
Denial of responsibility
Another type of communication that blocks compassion is when we fail to take responsibility for our own feelings.
I know that statement might get a lot of people to sit up straighter. You might be thinking "what about the people that yell, do crazy stuff, and get under our skin?" "How is that not their fault?"
I hear you. However, when we connect with what we need and take responsibility for how we feel, not only do we understand ourselves better but we make it easier for others to connect with us.
Example of Taking Responsibility vs. Not Taking Responsibility
Scenario: Isabella (I love you) sometimes raises her tone suddenly and sharply when she is reacting to unexpected news. This is jarring for me at times and makes me feel like a bomb is about to go off.
Me Not Taking Responsibility: Your anxiety drives me crazy! I thought someone was dying with how you reacted.
Taking Responsibility: It freaks me out when you raise your tone suddenly and sharply with me because I want to feel calm when we're discussing something. When something surprises you can you pause before responding?
Isabella elevating her tone suddenly might be the trigger for why I freak out, but the underlying reason I get annoyed is because of an unmet need of mine. There are tons of people that thrive when other people raise their voices or communicate loudly and it won't bother them at all. Ultimately, blaming someone for how you feel doesn’t give either of you a path towards connecting with each other.
Demands
This is when we use forcible language or even physical force to get an outcome to happen.
Examples of Demands
If you throw a party while we're away you will get grounded.
I can't believe you missed your deadline. If you don't get this done on time I'm going to let you go.
It is in everyone’s best interest that people do stuff because they want to, not because they have to do it. When people do things out of fear of consequence there is no room for connection. Additionally, it won't help those people develop an awareness of how changing their behavior may be in their best interest.
Merit Based Evaluations
Another type of communication that isn’t useful is when we make statements based on what we think people deserve.
Example - That person deserves to be fired.
Violent Communication Makes Connection Impossible
As I started to pay more attention to my language and the way people around me talk it’s become apparent that the way most humans speak is riddled with judgments, comparisons, and demands. Once you start to pay attention to this it’s something that’s hard to unsee. The tough thing is we’re never taught how to use language in a way that enables connection and as a consequence we waste time and energy hurting each other.
Now I’m not sitting here saying that we should tip toe around people. What I am saying is that when we learn to communicate based on what we’re feeling and needing it becomes much easier for others to hear us and meet us where we are. Additionally, I believe it’s an accelerant to the development of others and we do a disservice to the people in our lives by not communicating empathetically.
When people start to communicate based on their own feelings and needs it makes navigating the world much easier, it makes communicating with others much easier, and it makes resolving problems and getting what you need much easier. In short, NVC takes a second to learn but it’s freaking dope. Let’s run through it.
NVC Framework
The framework for NVC comes down to four things:
Observing - Here the speaker is asked to make an observation
Feelings - The speaker is then asked to connect that observation to a feeling they had
Needs - The speaker is then asked to connect that feeling to an unmet need (i.e. what caused the feeling)
Request - The speaker is then asked to make a request (not a demand) that would help them satisfy that need
Now lets dive into each one in detail
Observing - Stating what you see and nothing else
Observing is the first part of NVC and distinguishes itself from evaluating.
The goal here is to be objective and specific about what you noticed. Here is what evaluating vs observing might look like:
Observing: "I noticed you left the towel on the bed two days in a row"
Evaluation: "You always leave the towel on the bed" OR "You just can’t remember to pick up after yourself"
In the observing scenario the speaker is incredibly specific and has made no judgements about the other person or interpreted their behavior in any way. In the evaluation scenario we've combined what we noticed with an evaluation and people are more likely to hear criticism, which makes it harder to resolve conflict or get your needs met.
Once you've made an observation the next step is identifying what you're feeling.
Expressing a Feeling
The next part of NVC involves connecting our observations to feelings. This one was particularly eye opening because I started to notice how I was not well versed in connecting stimuli to how those stimuli made me feel. Additionally, I realized that I was not always taking responsibility for my feelings.
In order to understand how to connect observations to feelings it's important to understand the difference between feelings, judgements of how we think other people are acting, and statements about how we think we are.
Examples
Judgements - You left the towel on the bed yesterday and it makes me feel disrespected.
What We Think We Are - You left the towel on the bed yesterday and it makes me feel like a pest to remind you.
Feeling - You left the towel on the bed yesterday and it makes me feel frustrated.
Analysis of Examples
Judgements - Disrespected is not a feeling. Disrespected is an evaluation of what the other person is doing and that person is likely to hear criticism when its expressed that way.
What We Think We Are - Feel like a pest is not a feeling but a judgement of how we view ourselves. This makes us feel worse vs. understanding ourselves better.
Feeling - Im frustrated or feel frustrated is a clear expression of a feeling and allows the person to get a sense of how a certain thing or behavior affects you.
Build Your Feelings Vocabulary
Here are some examples of judgements as well as feelings so you can get a sense of what constitutes a feeling vs what does not.
Judgement Words (Not Feelings) - Abandoned, disrespected, attacked, betrayed, overworked, pressured, taken for granted, threatened, unappreciated, unsupported, let down.
Feelings - Alert, alive, amazed, amused, appreciative, astonished, confident, cheerful, concerned, curious, intrigued, interested, etc.
Notice how judgement words are not feelings, rather statements about what we think someone else is doing.
This step in NVC has been important for me because it forces me to inwardly reflect. As a result, I pay more attention to how I feel and feel more ownership over what I'm feeling at any given moment. This also has helped me become less triggered by what other people say and do.
We can take this self-awareness a step further by identifying the needs behind our feelings.
Identifying A Need
Next we want to take responsibility for our feelings and connect that to a need we have. This is extraordinarily powerful because it makes it much easier for others to connect with us and meet us where we are.
To understand how to identify a need, its important to understand the choices we have when responding to someone:
Choices For How We Respond
Blame others for how we feel - Others will hear criticism and invest energy in self-defense and counteract.
Blame ourselves for how we feel - We invalidate our own feelings and needs and create internal turmoil - shame, guilt, etc.
Sense the needs behind our own feelings - Develop a better understanding of ourselves and allow others to connect to us compassionately.
How Failing to Identify a Need Hurts Communication
The first two approaches often result in one of two dynamics.
We Lose Touch With Others - We refuse to care about how others feel or need.
We Are Trapped By Others - We care a ton about how other people feel and let ourselves be ruled by this feeling of being responsible for other's emotions.
Options three give us another choice and leads to a different dynamic. In option three we take responsibility for how we feel by identifying the need associated with it. Here’s how these three different approaches show up in practice:
Examples
Blame others - You left the towel on the bed two days in a row and it makes me so angry how inconsiderate you are
Blame ourselves - When he leaves the towel on the bed I get so angry, which is my fault because I'm too intense about cleanliness.
Identifying A Need - You left the towel on the bed two days in a row, which is super frustrating because I need to feel like we’re both invested in keeping the house clean.
Here are some more examples of how identifying a need works in practice
More Examples of Identifying A Need
Example 1 - Isa, I feel overwhelmed and annoyed when you call me four times in a row because I need to feel like you trust me to call you back.
Example 2 - I’m disappointed because I need to feel like I can trust that what we agree to will get done or that you’ll communicate with me if we need to update our agreement.
Once we start to communicate in feelings and needs it’s easier for people to connect with us compassionately and understand where we’re coming from.
Adopting this practice of expressing what you need also feels really good and its almost like a weight gets lifted off your shoulders. The reason being is expressing needs makes communication more objective. You can't control what you need or what the other person needs. As a result, its harder to get upset at someone because it's not their fault you need something.
I wish I knew this stuff a long time ago. There have been so many moments in my life where I’ve gotten super frustrated around people that I felt “were anxious and overbearing” (can you see the judgement there lol) vs realizing that I felt frustrated, confused, and disappointed because I needed to feel like I was trusted.
Once you’ve identified a need the next step is making a request that will help you meet your needs.
Making A Request
Making a request is all about figuring out what it would take to satisfy your needs. This is not as easy as it sounds and it requires us to be clear on what would satisfy our needs. Here are some common mistakes:
Failing To Make A Request
Not Specific - I want you to listen to me (hard to know why you don't feel listened to, not an incredibly obvious statement and could be more specific)
What We Don’t Want - I don’t want you to be in the kitchen while I’m cooking (hard to know what to do if you only communicate what you don’t want)
Not Make Request - I really dislike amusement parks (expecting a response on if the person likes them as well).
Demands - I want you to come home early (not accompanied by a statement of feelings and needs).
So here’s how we make requests. We need to make an observation, accompanied by a statement that expresses our feelings and needs, followed by a request of what we want to happen that is specific and not a demand. Below I've reframed the above examples using NVC so you can see what making a request is like in action:
Examples of Making A Clear Request
When you don't respond to what I say I get frustrated because I need to feel like you are listening to me. Can you tell me what you think I’m saying so I know we’re on the same page?
When you talk to me while I'm cooking I get overwhelmed because I need to concentrate to make sure the food comes out tasty. Can you stay out of the kitchen until I let you know I’m done?
I really dislike amusement parks. What do you think of them?
I’m nervous that we won’t make it to the movies on time and I want to see the whole film. Can you be home by 5pm?
Making a request does not mean the person will meet your needs every time, but it will be easier to understand where you’re coming from and what you want. If both parties can communicate using NVC there’s almost always a path forward that makes both parties feel like their needs are satisfied.
For the longest time I’ve had conviction that compromising is deadly for the human spirit, but I did not have the language to explain my thinking. Compromising means you’re sacrificing what you need - by definition you are giving up things that are critical (NEEDS) to satisfy someone or achieve some illusion of peace. Long term this is a bad strategy for forming a healthy relationship. However, when both parties express their needs you can usually figure out a way to get both satisfied.
We’re just scratching the surface with NVC
There is so much nuance here to this communication style and its tough to write a newsletter that does the full framework justice. I hope the broad strokes have been helpful and serve you in your day to day. I know Isabella is giggling because I’ve been awkwardly forcing this style of communication into our chats but already its been helpful in solving issues way more quickly.
It may seem long winded at first but the added clarity shortens time to resolution significantly I believe.
In another installment I’m going to chat through how you can apply NVC when you’re trying to understand others - i.e. how do you use NVC for listening. Anyway I hope this is helpful and I’m incredibly curious to hear how this works for you all in your day to day!
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To Living Well,
Alvaro
Weekly Live Well Recs
Read of the week 📖: Non-Violent Communication by Dr. Rosenberg