Kegan's Theory of Development - Framework For How To Be An Adult

A roadmap that shows us the different stages of adulthood and how to navigate these stages in our own lives

I hope this finds all 87 of you well! If you enjoy reading this newsletter share it with others who you think would value being an early adopter of this growing community of humans looking to thrive!

Becoming An Adult

Kegan's Theory of Adult Development helps us learn what it means to be an adult. One of my main motivations for starting this newsletter was to help people thrive in their day to day. From our earliest days we are taught skills that are useful when it comes to making and producing things. We have very little taught to us in the way of how to form healthy relationships, how to develop a greater understanding of ourselves, and how to manage the events that happen to us in our lives.

We get guidance from our parents and other adult figures, but so much of adulthood is "figuring it out". We don't have very good roadmaps for figuring out where "we are" as adults and identifying where "we want to be".

Most of Us Are Not High Functioning Adults

When I came across Kegan's theory, I read that the vast majority of the population never become high functioning adults (i.e. never make it past Stage 3 of Adult Development - I will cover the different stages in more depth later in the article).

At first this was crazy to read, but intrinsically this makes sense. With no guidance on any of this stuff - how can we expect most of the population to develop the skills that accompany matured adulthood.

What I think is cool about Kegan's theory and why it's important to me is because it gives us a great roadmap for understanding what it means to becoming an adult and a helpful framework for how to transition to higher stages of adulthood.

What Does It Mean To Transition To Higher Stages?

The crux of Kegan's theory posits that becoming an adult is all about transitioning to higher stages of development. Maturing involves developing traits such as greater self-awareness, an independent sense of self, greater emotional regulation, a deeper understanding of how to successfully relate with others and how to manage the events in our lives.

Key to the theory are two important ideas:

• Transformation - Development is about transforming the way the mind views the world, not simply adding knowledge and experiences to the mind.

• I Am vs. I Have - Transformation changes what the mind considers part of its identity (i.e. something unchangeable) vs. something it holds onto and can control.

What Is Transformation?

As we grow up, I mainly viewed the process of development (i.e. becoming an adult) as a process of learning. Specifically, growing up meant picking up new skills and having new life experiences. Essentially, as you learn and see more stuff you become wiser and more mature.

Kegan disagrees and says something entirely different. He says development is about transforming the mind. The way he explains how this transformation works is through an analogy by likening the mind to a container and development to the transformation of that container.

Knowledge is the stuff you fill the container with. Transformation is when we change how we know and understand the world - i.e. the container changes.

Catalysts To Transformation

The best way to understand what Kegan means by transformation is through an analogy. I read a great analogy of how to think about transformation (source) which likens it to when Copernicus discovered that the sun, not the earth, was the center of our galaxy. While nothing physically changed, our view of the cosmos radically altered. This idea of our mind altering how it views the world is what Kegan means by transformation.

Most of us have had life experiences that have radically altered how we view things and ourselves. Nothing changes physically in the real world but our entire perspective changes. In my own life this has happened many times:

Transformative Moments

• Not getting opportunities out of b-school I was excited about

• Deciding that I wanted to move in with Isabella

• Leaving the day to day of Roots

• Meditating

None of these moments on their own changed me, but were catalysts or part of periods of transformation. Specifically, these events helped to transform how I saw and related to myself and the world around me. Here are a few ways I've "noticed" this transformation in myself:

Effects of Transformative Moments

• Reading a book again that I read 10 years ago - same story but entirely different perspective

• Spending time with loved ones - same people but how I think of them and how I act around them is entirely different

• Discussing ideas with friends and family - similar style of conversation but my perspective is completely different and how I hear people has changed

The idea is that over time, we have experiences and learn things that have a profound effect on how we view the world - it changes nothing physically yet it radically alters how we view the universe.

I Am Vs. I Have

Transformation and transitioning to higher stages is about having a subject-object shift. This means shifting what we view as part of our identity, Subject - I am (permanent, or unchanging) to something that is not part of our identity, Object - I have (flexible or fluid).

• The Subject (I AM) - Concepts that we are attached to and cannot separate ourselves from. These are things that we believe we have no control over and form part of who we are. For example, you might hear someone say I am incredibly shy or I am Moroccan. These are statements that show we see things as part of who we are.

• The Object (I HAVE) - Concepts that we can separate ourselves from, and as a result - control, reflect on, and play with. For example, you might hear someone say I have an opinion about that or I have a pet dog. In this case we don't see the concept as part of who we are intrinsically - rather something we have and can change.

For me, this was an especially powerful concept because it has helped me put a name or an idea to what changes when I feel like an experience has turned me into different person.

How Meditation Helped Me With I Am Vs. I Have

Specifically, I have found that meditating has helped me create space between myself and my emotions where I no longer identify with them when they come up. In the past, I would clearly and distinctly feel - I am angry. Meaning, in that moment I can't separate myself from this idea that I am angry. Now, when anger comes up for me, my mind thinks - I have a really hot sensation in my chest and behind my eyes. I'm having a physical reaction to what Bob said to me.

This is cool because the mind starts to perceive anger as a thing it can step back from, observe, and as a result not be controlled by. I'm not a monk by any means and I certainly am not able to do this all the time. However, it is an example of how my mind has started to separate itself from its emotions - I am not my feelings.

This idea can be found in buddhism - the concept that suffering comes through attachment to things, people, ideas, and feelings. Detachment is not about not caring about these things - but viewing them at arms length or objectively. I am not my job, my feelings, my relationships, etc.

Stages of Adult Development

A few things to note before diving into the different stages which are:

1. You Vary In Your Stages - People are spread across different stages - i.e. you may approach different parts of your life from different stages of development. For example, a lot of us have an easier time operating in a higher stage with a colleague than with family members.

2. Not Intelligence Based - Development is not primarily based on intelligence and has more to do with this idea of wisdom and personal growth.

3. No Stage Is "Better", Just More Nuanced - None of these stages are inherently better than the other. One can be kind in all stages, just in all stages, or moral in all stages.

4. We Overestimate Ourselves - Studies show that most people tend to overestimate what stage they fall into.

Here are how the different stages breakdown

• Stage 1 — Impulsive mind (2-6 years old)

• Stage 2 — Imperial mind (6 years old through adolescence, 6% of adult population)

• Stage 3 — Socialized mind (58% of the adult population)

• Stage 4 — Self-Authoring mind (35% of the adult population)

• Stage 5 — Self-Transforming mind (1% of the adult population)

I'll cover stages 2 through 5 as stage 1 is not relevant for anyone reading this newsletter. The important part of covering these different stages of development is to notice where you are in adult development, with who, and in what situations. When you create greater awareness you can focus on transitioning to higher stages of development.

A key part of this theory is as you transition stages, what was once the subject becomes the object (I am becomes I have).

Stage 2 - The Imperial Mind (6%)

• I AM - needs, interests, and desires

• I HAVE - impulses and perceptions

In this stage people define themselves by their needs and wants.

In this stage we have developed an understanding of ourselves as separate and distinct from others. We understand that we have distinct needs, interests, and wants. We are also conscious that other people have different needs and wants, but we are still too distanced from them in our way of thinking to take into consideration their needs.

In this frame of mind relationships are entirely transactional and we operate mostly on the basis of rewards - i.e. what do I want and how do I get it. People are either barriers or helpers to satisfying our needs, interests, and desires.

In this stage kids follow along with rules in order to get what they want or avoid what they don't want. For example - I won't lie to you because I will get punished or I will do my homework so I can have dessert.

Guiding Questions

• Will I get punished if I do something or other?

• What is in it for me?

Additional Characteristics

• Can recognize that others have perspectives

• Can control impulses

• Has stables needs and habits

• Self-interested

• Acts based on consequences

Stage 3 - The Socialized Mind (58%)

• Subject - I AM interpersonal relationships, mutuality

• Object - I HAVE needs interests, and desires

In this stage we are defined by our interpersonal relationships.

In stage three we are now able to grasp and internalize what other people think, feel, and want. Additionally, we develop an ability to respond to those needs and meet them. In this stage we develop our sense of self based on the groups we attach to and we look for external validation in order to help us define what we believe, feel, and think.

Guiding Questions

To valued other or authority

• Will you still like/value me?

• Will you approve of me?

• Will you still think I am (good, excellent, smart, etc) X characteristic?

Additional Characteristics

• Internalize feelings and emotions of others as guidelines for how to think and act

• What we know and believe we get from others vs. from our own independent thinking

• We take personal responsibility for how other people experience us and think about us

• We validate our sense of self externally - i.e. the approval of others, acceptance into a group, etc.

• Focus on following rules, traditions, and norms

• Difficulty letting go of harmful relationships

Stage 4 - The Self-Authoring Mind (35%)

• Subject - I AM self-authorship, ideology, and identity

• Object - I HAVE interpersonal relationships, mutuality

In this stage we have an internal seat of judgement and can define who we are vs. looking to external sources to derive our sense of self.

In this stage we define ourselves by our ability to create a sense of self independent of external validation. We are defined by the things we believe and the identities we create. We use our experiences with the outside world to continue refining that sense of self - our ideologies, beliefs, and identity.

Guiding Questions

• Am I maintaining my own personal integrity, standards, and values?

• Am I living, working, and loving to the best of my ability?

• Am I achieving my goals and being guided by my ideals?

Additional Characteristics

• We can listen to others opinions, ideas, and beliefs and decide for ourselves what we think

• We can take stands and set limits based on the things we believe and feel are important

• We are self-reflective and constantly looking to refine our sense of self as well as align it with how we act

• Can reflect on our own actions and modify behavior to achieve different results

• We make decisions to be consistent with ideology or identity

Stage 5 - The Self-Transforming Mind (1%)

• Subject - I AM

• Object - I HAVE self-authorship, ideology, and identity

In this stage we are fluid and we become unattached to identities, roles, and beliefs.

We let go of preconceived notions of how we should behave, who we are, and what we believe. Every interaction brings new information and each moment we are changed. The person in this stage embraces paradox, explores different identities, and plays with their ever changing conception of self.

Guiding Questions

• How do I know what I am saying or thinking is true?

• Are there multiple truths to be seen and understood?

• What lens am I looking at this through? Is there a perspective I'm missing or don't understand?

• Am I unattached to ideas, beliefs, and identities? Am I seeking truth or am I seeking truth through my own filter?

Additional Characteristics

• See beyond themselves, others, and systems they are a part of to form an understanding of how all people and systems interconnect

• The mind is no longer subject to its filter (i.e. identity, ideologies) but can step back and examine, update, or hold multiple filters

• Puts entire way of thinking and identity at risk with each interaction, understanding that both are fluid and ever changing

• Holds opposite viewpoints, different identities, embraces paradox all in the search for a deeper truth

How To Graduate Stages & Support Others In Doing So

Growth Challenges

• Stage 2 to Stage 3

  • Grow to be open to possibilities for multiple "right" solutions and pathways to resolving issues and problems

  • Grow capacity for abstract thinking (i.e. understanding concepts that are not concrete physical objects - i.e. freedom, sadness)

• Stage 3 to Stage 4

  • Grow to generate ones own internal standards, values, and views of self. Develop a "seat of judgement".

  • Grow to understand that multiple perspectives can enhance understanding and improve collaboration and do not threaten interpersonal relationships

• Stage 4 to Stage 5

  • Grow to become open to opposing points of views, ideologies, identities, and perspectives

  • Grow to embrace diversity in thought, problem-solving approaches, and truth.

What Support Looks Like For Growth

• Stage 2 to Stage 3

  • Set clear and explicit expectations for what is "good behavior"

  • Share step by step procedures for accomplishing tasks, goals, and practices that are aligned with values being taught.

  • Offer and model specific skills, concrete advice, and examples of best practices and why those correspond to certain values.

• Stage 3 to Stage 4

  • Model how to engage in conflict and disagreement without threatening the relationship

  • Create opportunities for individual to "grow their voice" and develop their own perspective and opinion

  • Acknowledge and confirm persons thoughts. Encourage and support personal development of standards, beliefs, and points of view.

• Stage 4 to Stage 5

  • Create opportunities for person to critique and analyze ones own perspectives and ideologies

  • Encourage consideration of seemingly diametrically opposed perspectives - do this for beliefs, identities, wants, etc.

  • Help cultivate a natural curiosity to look at multiple perspectives in order to understand whole truth.

Why This Theory of Development Is Important To Me

I believe that our ability to connect to and relate to others is fundamental to our well-being. Critical to doing so is developing our ability to relate to, connect with, and understand ourselves. Understanding the stages of adult development for me was an amazing way to get language for and perspective on how I am operating in different areas of my life and with different people.

It's made it clear that often times I create conflict within myself and with others when I get attached to specific ideas of what I believe, what I think I am, and what I feel. Kegan's theory has helped me go deeper into the perspective that the world is far from black and white and mostly varying shades of grey.

It's pushed me to work on holding everything I believe at arms length - I am feeling Y, I believe X, I am Z and ask myself

• What is actually happening?

• Is what I believe or feel true or is it an interpretation?

• What makes me believe that?

• Are there other truths or perspectives here I might consider?

The more I exercise this muscle the more enjoyable experiencing others and the world becomes as you get deeper into its complexity. This all results in feeling better.

By developing our awareness around our personal development we give ourselves the opportunity to show up as more complete humans, which I think is crucial to us coming together to solve humanity's most pressing issues.

I'd like to quote a friend of mine that I think summarizes this idea beautifully - I'll also be interviewing him in a future newsletter - stay tuned for that :)

The public discourse on today's challenges pertains to the outer world — e.g. What monetary incentives can we give businesses to stop polluting? What laws can we pass to stop racism? What government programs should be cut or created to improve education?

But the hidden question underneath all struggles for progress pertains to the inner world — How can people on all sides of an issue transcend their biases and self-interests, feel into others' points of view, and come to the kind of mutual understanding that enables compassionate and concerted action?

Entrancement in ego is the key blocker to these ends. It is the "red tape" of the inner world. Progress in all things will continue to be slowed by psychological drag at the individual level until we expand our awareness to include the inner world and integrate what we find — specifically, what prevents transformation and what enables it.

This is why inner work — the process of illuminating our own inner worlds and advancing through stages of ego development— is a necessary part of the solution to society's ills. It is through inner work that we can relax our fixated thought patterns and summon our humility, our tolerance for nuance, and our capacity for love. Who can argue that these qualities are not what we need to face the challenges of our times, and of all times? - Josh Lavine

Kegan gives us a lens to understand how we might develop through adulthood. In developing our awareness of where we are in the various stages, we give ourselves an opportunity to develop as humans and connect more compassionately with the world around us.

I believe it’s an effort well worth striving for.

---

Feedback Time 😁 - Share Your Thoughts

Would love your feedback (two questions only!) so I can better tailor this newsletter to you all in the future → Feedback Form

Lastly, if you enjoyed this newsletter you can use the link at the bottom to easily share it with others that you think would like it as well.

To Living Well,

Alvaro

---

Weekly Live Well Recs

Read of the week 📖: The Evolving Self - Robert Kegan