Impermanence - Thriving with change

Flexible identities, starting with endings, building resilience through embracing flux

Aug 01, 2021

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I think wrestling with impermanence is a good way to build mental resilience and well-being over time.

No one really prepares you for dealing with change and embracing it but I think it’s a critical part of really savoring each moment and navigating life transitions a little more smoothly.

What is impermanence?

Impermanence is the idea that nothing stays the same. Change is the only constant.

Change can be hard - The way I've dealt with change has varied based on the circumstance. There have been times where I have struggled with change. I have also seen plenty of loved ones have a challenging time working through life transitions as well.

Change can also be amazing - On the other hand, I've seen other people thrive during change, embracing it as an opportunity and accepting it as a natural part of life.

Navigating change is a skill - Navigating big life changes well is a skill I have long admired when I’ve seen it. The reason being is it’s freaking hard and also a natural part of life.

I've found it more and more important to think about how life is always in constant flux as a means of preparing myself for change. I figure since it is a staple of human existence, we might as well try to understand it and enjoy it.

But first, why is change so hard in the first place?

What’s so hard about change?

I think change can be particularly thorny for a bunch of reasons but one that stands out is we get attached to the way things are in the present moment.

The Buddhist definition of attachment is clinging or grasping.

I think change is extremely difficult because of our attachment reflex - i.e. we cling or grasp to things we know and understand, including:

Relationships - We avoid putting ourselves in situations where we are meeting new people or cling to relationships we know and understand.
Beliefs - We hold onto beliefs we have even when new information or experiences present themselves to us.
Identities - We see ourselves as fathers, mothers, professionals, partners, etc., and when our roles change it becomes extremely difficult for us to move forward.

I think attachment shows up everywhere and the above bullets are examples of categories of attachment.

Practical examples of how attachment can show up include:

Attached to our role as parents - Our kids get older and our relationship with them changes. Our role as parents evolves - navigating that can be tough.
Attached to our role professionally - We spend 20 years working as a smith and now all of a sudden smithing gets replaced with new and better technology. If we can’t do what we’ve done professionally for two decades, then who are we?
Attached to how our skill level is greater than our peers in a certain setting - An athlete is number one in her high school and then goes to compete in college where she is the third best. Seeing herself as #1 and now as #3 can be tough.
Attached to the things we can do with our bodies - As our bodies get older and don’t do what they once were capable of doing, we don’t feel like ourselves anymore. Our energy and mind are the same, but our bodies can’t keep up anymore. How do we deal with that?
Attached to a certain way of doing things or a view of ourselves as successful - We have success in a field and have developed a set of principles that helped us succeed. However, the world has changed rapidly and people now consider those principles outdated. This makes us feel like our experience holds no value. How do we navigate that?

These are just a small sample of the infinite ways change can show up in life. Change can be simple from deciding to wear new shorts to more complex like moving to a new city, switching careers, beginning new relationships, or losing loved ones.

Change is tough because we get comfortable - I think one of the reasons change is hard is we get used to the way things are today. We get good at navigating an environment we understand and knowing how to tackle the regular challenges that come up in our day-to-day. The more skillful we become at navigating our current reality - the harder it becomes to embrace a new one where we’re not sure yet how to navigate.

Change can push us into crisis mode - Not knowing how we’ll do in a changing environment can be terrifying. Questions come up like:

What if I can't figure it out?
What if I don't like these new people?
What if I don't fit into this city?
What if I never get good at anything ever again?
What if my life is worse?

Our anxious brain, designed to protect us, I think can often spiral and imagine worst-case scenarios as we encounter change and the unknown.

In order to wrest control from my hyperactive mind and navigate change effectively, I’ve personally found it to be incredibly important to prepare for life’s impermanence.

Additionally, I think getting comfortable with change brings a series of benefits:

Try new things more often, more quickly
Change hurts less
Makes you more open-minded

Embracing change makes it easier to try new things

I think when we accept and get comfortable with the fact that change is a constant and natural part of life, we tend to seek it more often (at least I have).

Delighting in new information and experiences - I think part of the reason that wrestling with impermanence can make trying new things easier is that dealing with change requires accepting that you can never be certain of any outcome.

I’ve personally found that for me to embrace uncertainty I need something to get excited about. For me, that has been getting excited about learning something new, growing as a human, or having new experiences. As a result, I know that change will always bring one of those and that is compelling.

Even what you think you know will change - I think the realization that everything changes at some point helped me get comfortable with the idea that what we “know” is an illusion, or at best temporary. As a result, we’re in a constant state of discovery - even with things we think we are familiar with.

For example, we learn about ourselves and our partners each day as we have new experiences with each other. We learn about our families, about other humans, about other stuff that’s going on in the world, and our worldview changes as a result.

Even with the world we “know”, change is a constant. I think when we recognize that change permeates every aspect of our life, things that appear to be “new” become easier and more fun to dive into.

Working with impermanence makes change less painful

Like any idea, I think the more you have matured it and sat with it, the more prepared you are for whatever you have been thinking about. I think it’s the same with change.

Starting at the end - Even when starting something new I find it healthy to think about - this might end at some point. I don’t know when, how, or why but this will come to an end.

Thinking about endings really helps me ground myself in the present moment. The reality that this thing will be over someday helps me try to enjoy whatever I’m doing as much as possible.

Preparing for the end - Secondly, thinking about the impermanence of things prepares me for their eventual end. It does this by helping me think about what would my world look like if that thing ended. It forces me to reflect on questions like - how would I feel, what would I do, what would I still have?

These questions force me to take honest stock of how dependent or attached I am to that particular thing and whether or not my well-being is too concentrated or attached to one outcome.

My past experiences have made this more important to me - I know that can sound crazy but having been through an experience that rattled me more than I would have liked it was a big realization for me to not concentrate so much of my identity or sense of worth in one particular area. It made embracing change much harder to work through.

Getting comfortable with change makes you more open-minded

Change is most invaluable, in my opinion when focused inward. Recognizing change as a constant in life means we recognize that change is also a constant in ourselves.

Specifically, with each new moment in life and each new experience, we are made different.

That can sound like an exaggeration but I mean it. Each new idea, relationship, and experience brings change (whether we embrace it or not).

That change can affect a variety of things we attach ourselves to including:

Easiest to change

Your likes and dislikes
Your habits and routines

Slightly harder to change

Your relationships
Your vocation

Possibly hardest to change

Your identities
Your beliefs
Your values

I think getting comfortable with change helps us get comfortable with change across all areas of our internal world.

Embracing changes help us understand ourselves better - Embracing change helps us move away from beliefs that no longer serve us or are outdated. It helps us look at how our relationships have changed and understand how to show up better in them. It even helps us play with different identities and ways of seeing ourselves as they change over time - from being a son to becoming a husband, and from becoming a husband to becoming a father.

So how do you get comfortable with change?

I have a couple of different ways I think about working through change:

Take inventory of what matters - Take stock of what’s important in your life or what matters a ton to you.
Start at the end - Ask what would it look like if this thing ended? How would you feel? What would you do? How would it impact your day-to-day? What would take the place of that thing?
Keep reflecting - on endings. And continue to reflect on what it would be like if those things ended.

It’s not perfect but this process has made me realize there are a ton of areas where I’m “vulnerable” - i.e. if there was an ending in this area of my life it would be extremely challenging for me to navigate.

The idea of losing Isabella makes me nervous

One area of loss that terrifies me is my relationship with Isabella. As I’ve shared a bunch and I won’t go into too much detail here - I like her a lot 🤗. I know if anything were to ever happen with my relationship I am brutally unprepared.

Now hopefully nothing negative ever does happen, but I’ve realized (for a variety of reasons) I have not organized my life in a way where I think I could navigate that successfully.

This has been one (of many) nudges which has reinforced the importance of strengthening and cultivating my other relationships - with my family, friends, and communities I belong to.

Tying my identity to one outcome

Another example of being underprepared for change was over concentrating on one professional endeavor a couple of years ago and having a hard time moving past that identity when it did not make sense in my life any longer.

While I am the kind of person that prefers to spend all of my time and effort on one thing vs spread out across a bunch of things, it made me realize that concentrating so much on one endeavor left me vulnerable because my identity was really wrapped up in that thing I was doing.

Preparing yourself with a variety of scenarios

I think it’s okay to be all in one thing, but what’s become important to me is being aware that I’m committed to one thing, trying to not tie my sense of self-worth too much to that one thing, and getting comfortable with a variety of scenarios where I don’t get the outcome I expect.

This line of thinking helps me be more resilient when things don’t turn out the way I expect and they also take less pressure off the present day and make it easier to have more fun.

To conclude

Change is a constant, and getting comfortable with impermanence I think makes us more flexible, more resilient, and more open.

I think all of this brings greater peace of mind, a stronger sense of well-being, and think a heightened ability to navigate and dance through life’s changes.

Until next time,

Alvaro

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