Human to human - How a common connection makes relationship easier
How identities limit our ability to connect and how a shared humanity can expand our relationships
I hope this finds all 114 of you well this Sunday! If you’re reading this and know someone that might be interested in this growing community of humans looking to thrive share A&T with them!
I’m going to keep it short today and talk about the power of thinking of yourself as human first.
I’ve been talking with Isabella this week about why sometimes conversations can feel hard.
Examples of situations where we might not be 100% ourselves
A couple of scenarios to frame the situation: maybe you’re trying to figure out how to better engage your team. Maybe your mom is giving you advice. Maybe you just met an old friend in the airport and you’re catching up.
Not feeling totally at ease in conversation happens to us all the time
Sometimes when we talk to people we can feel resistance internally or not totally at ease. For me personally, and I think for everyone, we all know when we feel completely “at home”. We speak, act, think and feel freely around certain people and in certain situations.
With others and in other situations, it’s not perfectly natural or free flowing. There is tension and what we say or do is not necessarily what we’d want to say and do. Maybe I'm smiling a little bit longer, maybe I hold back a thought, maybe I ask something I'm not really interested in hearing the answer to, or maybe the way I'm standing even feels a little rigid, a bit forced.
I think a part of that resistance or unnaturalness (if you can call it that) can partially come from our attachment to labels and certain identities
How Identities Can Disconnect Us From Others
It’s harder to have a conversation when you think of yourself as someone’s boss, or someone’s son, or a stranger.
I don’t think of myself just as a Tibetan or a Buddhist, but as a human being. We have to think of the whole of humanity. Being human is the common ground in our efforts to create a better world. Remember, we all survive in dependence on others - Dalai Lama
Identities have the power to disconnect and the power to bring us together
When we think of ourselves as Jewish, or a swimmer, or a lover of cakes, we create separation between ourselves and others, we create distance. When we begin by defining ourselves in terms of what makes us different it becomes harder to connect. I don't think this is something we consciously do but comes from how we think of ourselves → compassionate, hardworking, quirky, into craft beers, expert pogo stick jumper, or whatever comes up for you when you think about yourself.
How Identities Connect Us - This identification is also what leads to a connection with others. It's why when I see someone with a UVA sweater in Park City, Utah it's easy to strike up a conversation. When did you graduate? Did you enjoy UVA? Where did you go after? Etc. Etc. Those moments, where we connect across a shared identity can be amazing and introduce delightful serendipity into our lives. Why don't we do it more?
Identities, More Often Than Not, Create Separation - The trap with these more specific identities is the majority of the time it creates separation between us and others. There are only 200 million Brazilians in the world out of 7 billion humans (2.8%). There are probably less than 3M people that have graduated from UVA in the last 100 years out of 7 billion humans (.04%).
When we think of ourselves, the more specific our identity, the easier it is to create separation between us and others, and the easier it becomes to see ourselves as different. This in turn makes it harder to connect and as a result to be ourselves.
We Are One of Seven Billion - I think when we see ourselves, as the Dalai Lama says, as one of seven billion, another human in the vast multitude, conversations become easier and we establish common ground - our shared humanity.
I’m not saying it’s not important to embrace our differences and that people who are different can’t connect. What I am saying is when we think of ourselves first and foremost as human beings, relationship with others becomes easier and more natural.
We Are Much More Alike Than Different -When we see ourselves as human and the person in front of us as another human, no matter what they say or what their background looks like, we are alike in that we both have desires, fears, things that make us come alive, things we don't like, people we love spending time with, places we like to go, etc. Those foundational things that are a part of being human are things we can all understand and connect over.
When We Recognize Our Shared Humanity, It’s Easier To Connect - If you’re a human before you’re a boss, there is no thinking about what you should or should not do, how you should or should not act. The responses flow more naturally and effortlessly. The same is true if you’re a parent, a teacher, a lawyer, or a stranger.
I’m also not suggesting it’s easy, but the more I practice reminding myself that I am a human first and this person, like me, has wants, needs, desires, fears, etc the less upset I get when the random stranger is rude or the easier it is for me to have a conversation with the professional juggler from Quebec (who I have zero in common with).
Remembering we’re human, and that we all have that in common, makes relationships easier, expands our ability to connect with others, and ultimately helps build stronger connections.
Feedback Time 😁 - Share Your Thoughts
Would love your feedback (two questions only!) so I can better tailor this newsletter to you all in the future → Feedback Form
Lastly, if you enjoyed this newsletter you can use the link at the bottom to easily share it with others that you think would like it as well.