Equanimity - Steadiness of mind
Asking for time, reacting vs. responding, and the ultimate freedom
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“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown
Cultivating equanimity or steadiness of mind I think is key to our long-term well-being.
More specifically it does so by getting us out of a reactive state where how we behave is dictated by what happens to us and what is happening around us.
The more we are able to separate stimulus and action the more control we have over how we respond to any given situation.
Responding vs. Reacting
For me, understanding equanimity starts with understanding the difference between reacting and responding.
What does it mean to react?
Reacting is impulsive and instinctual. A good example is if someone runs at you out of nowhere, you might “react” by immediately putting your hands up.
Reacting is a survival mechanism - Reacting is and has been extremely important to our survival. Our ability to react is a biological response that pushes us to act in a certain way without having to think about what we need to do.
As you might imagine this was probably extremely useful in a world that was full of danger - where we were very much in the middle of the food chain - and survival was never guaranteed.
Our survival response is less necessary today - In today’s world, we are a lot safer than we used to be thousands of years ago and there isn’t danger lurking around every corner. However, our biology is not aware that times have changed and is still very much programmed to react and protect us when necessary.
Most of our perceived threats today are no longer physical - Much of the stimulus today that prompts us to react isn’t physical in nature but rather psychological. Someone says something that bothers us, we’re stressed about something we need to do with our family, our colleague asks us to do something and we’ve already got a ton on our plate.
These are all things where no physical harm will come to us but are stimuli that we might perceive as threats and our body will naturally want to react to.
What does it mean to respond?
Responding differs from reacting in that there is choice and control over what we say and do. When we respond instead of reacting we are consciously and actively playing a role in deciding how we want to handle a certain stimulus.
This can be hard to do especially when some of the body’s more primal mechanisms are kicking in - i.e. someone yells at us and it makes us angry or scared, someone gives us feedback and it makes us defensive or anxious, someone cuts us off on the road and it makes us feel overwhelmed and nervous, and a variety of other situations that can kick our emotions into high gear.
The body wants to react in these situations, but our ability to move from a reactive state to one where we choose our responses takes us from a defensive position where things happen to us to an active position where we decide who and how we want to be regardless of what happens.
What does reacting and responding have to do with equanimity?
Equanimity is about not getting caught up with what is happening or with external stimuli. Cultivating equanimity is about developing an awareness of the moment and developing the ability to experience each moment without getting caught up in it, without reacting to it (i.e. reacting vs. being present and responding).
How does equanimity affect us and our well-being?
“The present moment is the only moment available to us, and it is the door to all moments.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
The more we can stay with an experience without reacting and just observing there are a series of benefits that are associated with it:
Mental Calmness - that can’t be disturbed by events outside of your control
Gateway to personal growth - by staying with the moment and not getting caught up in our reactions, we are more aware of what is happening and how it affects us. This gives us an opportunity to weaken and move past patterns of behaviors, false narratives we makeup, and limiting beliefs that no longer serve us.
Equanimity, in Buddhism, is viewed as foundational to our freedom and our ability to access our highest intelligence.
How do we practice equanimity?
I don’t have a very formalized practice for equanimity but I think each moment brings an opportunity to work on it.
There are a couple of things I try to keep in mind when strengthening equanimity in my day-to-day
Take my time to respond
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
This one can feel weird at first because people might think something is wrong with you, but I think asking for time before you respond is a key component to shifting from reacting to responding.
Experiencing emotion vs. letting it speak for us - When we take a moment to respond, we allow our feelings and emotions wash through us, which allows us to respond from a place where we are a bit more settled vs allowing the emotion to speak for us.
How I ask for time - When people ask why I haven’t responded I usually say something along the lines of “I’m thinking” or “I’m thinking about how I want to respond” or “I’m not sure how I feel about you said and am thinking about it”. This is one of those things where the more you do it the more comfortable you get asking for time.
Investigate what you’re feeling
Now that you’ve created space for yourself you have an opportunity to dig into what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling these things. This is crucial because in order to respond skillfully we have to understand how things have impacted us and what’s the reason they’ve impacted us in that way.
Ask yourself is this story true?
“What really frightens and dismays us is not the external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.” - Epictetus
Is this true? Once you’ve investigated these feelings you also need to ask yourself whether what made you feel that way has truth to it.
The stories we tell ourselves - For example, I could say I’m mad because Joe was rude to me. However, “Joe being rude” is a story I’ve made up in my head and the stories we tell ourselves are not always grounded in truth. What exactly did Joe say? Was it rude or did I just not like what I heard? Maybe he speaks in a way that I’m not used to? Maybe what he said was hurtful to me in some way.
Be wary of words and thoughts as they don’t always represent reality - Words and thoughts are just abstractions of reality. In order to get to the truth, to respond skillfully, we need to look at what really happened.
Respond Skillfully
“At some point, the mind becomes so clear and balanced that whatever arises is seen and left untouched with no interference.” - Ajahn Jumnien
To respond skillfully I think we need a vision for who we want to be - There is a lot of background work that needs to happen here I think that informs this step. Specifically, figuring out what’s important to you, what will be nourishing to your well-being, and what would make you proud of yourself.
How to manifest that vision in your response - Whatever ideas make up those buckets should inform how you respond I think irrespective of the stimulus. If you want to nurture compassion when someone yells at you, that’s an opportunity to respond compassionately - is everything okay with that person? What’s causing this kind of reaction? If you want to nurture curiosity, when you get feedback that’s an opportunity to respond with interest and dig into the feedback.
A calm, open mind is a free mind - Ultimately equanimity is about steadying and strengthening yourself internally so no matter what’s going on externally - everything is a complete whirlwind - your core, who you are, remains true to you and steady through all of it.
To me, this is the ultimate freedom.
Until next time,
Alvaro
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