Celebrating One Year of Marriage - My 4 Most Impactful Relationship Learnings
Relationship principles for building a strong and loving partnership
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Celebrating Our One Year Anniversary Prompted Us To Reflect - Last week was my one-year anniversary and it prompted me to think about all the lessons I've learned from the one year of marriage and the 6+ years Isabella and I have been together. We went upstate to this place called Beacon, NY, which is pretty cool and I'd recommend it if you live in NY and want a cozy weekend away. It was there that we talked a ton about this past year and how unbelievable it has all been. Our lives changing, at times what seemed like, dramatically, but our partnership remaining constant throughout all of it.
I’m Incredibly Grateful For This Past Year - I can't tell you how grateful I am for the past year. It has been the most incredible year of my life and a big reason for that has been Isabella. Our relationship started just over 6 years ago and until this last year, we had been long-distance. In the first three years we were in completely different states and physically separated, seeing each other once every other week, more often than not every two or even three weeks. For the next two and a half years we lived together but were apart frequently as a result of travel. Like clockwork most Mondays through Fridays out of the year we were apart, and getting up to leave regularly was never something I particularly enjoyed.
Long Distance Is No Longer A Thing - We've had almost 400+ days of being together this past year. It's been incredible and this anniversary came extremely quickly. This weekend a chance for us to reflect on how lucky we've been and on how much we've built together. So in that spirit, I wanted to talk about some of the core lessons from our relationship that we believe has helped us build what we have today.
Lessons In Partnership
The first and most important thing is you’re always building. Like anything great in life, a great partnership requires consistent, focused, and thoughtful effort. Each moment and each day is another opportunity to build it. Each new challenge or experience another opportunity to deepen it. And each new milestone another opportunity to celebrate it and reflect on it.
It is a never-ending journey and one I take great pride in walking, knowing I’m walking it alongside someone I admire, someone that fills me with joy, and someone that throughout all of it has always embraced me for who I am.
Below I want to talk through a few of the core principles that guide us and that as we’ve reflected on, feel like some of the essential building blocks to what we’ve constructed.
Focus on getting good, not being right
Throughout all of it, one thing I've admired about how we work together is our focus is generally on getting to a good place, not on being right.
Conflict Is Inevitable, How You Approach Conflict Is Up You - What I mean by “getting good” is arguments are inevitable as a result of sharing so much of life together. There are times when we will perceive our partner as having done something we do not like and our partner will disagree. There are other variations here on how arguments start, but the basic point is that it happens. I've learned that the only thing that matters is focusing on getting to a good place not on winning. Here's how we've thought about it.
A Quick Example of Our Conflicts :) - One example here is I've recently tried something out on Isabella, which is asking her a question when she has not understood me. For example, I'll say "I wish we had brought an umbrella with us" and she'll say "are you upset that we're going to dinner." This is usually a bewildering follow-up for me because I've said nothing about being upset, but Isabella is incredibly thoughtful so her mind goes towards what is he implying with that statement. I have recently tried out this answer "No. Did I say something that implied I was?". This response has rankled Isa because she felt annoyed and wanted to be sure I was not condescending. This is an example of how conflict can show up for us, it’s small, but I find that the small ones are the most important because they are the building blocks to the big ones. Here’s how we usually work through it.
The Break Down Of Our Approach To “Getting Good”
Ask and understand what is bothering your partner - The most important thing for us has always been to focus on the other person and understand what is bothering them. Asking questions that get to the bottom of how they're feeling helps them feel seen, heard, and get whatever is bothering them off their chest.
Share and make clear what is bothering you - It's equally important to say what's going on with you. You don't want resentment bottled up and you need to be clear about how you feel and what you need.
Take responsibility for what is bothering you - It's not your partner’s fault that something they did or said made you feel a certain way. You are responsible for your feelings because they are yours so it’s key to own them (i.e. when you said X, it bothered me, can you please Z?).
Never make it personal, it’s not the other person’s fault you feel a certain way - similar to the above. How you feel has nothing to do with your partner’s character - i.e. they're lazy or selfish or bad listeners, etc. It has to do with how certain actions make you feel - i.e. when they are on their phone you get upset because it feels like you're not being listened to.
Ask constructive questions that build you back to a good place - Questions like how do we get to a place where you feel good about this? What could I do to make you feel better here? How do we get to a good place in this conversation? Asking these questions will get you both thinking about how to build in a positive direction.
An Example of How We Put This Approach Intro Practice
Getting good - What about how I said that bothered you? This gives Isa a chance to clarify what was annoying. Ok - so it sounds like the way I'm saying it is annoying, I could probably be a little more chill/fun about my delivery.
Share and Make Clear - I'll explain where I'm coming from which is that I get confused and don't know how to respond when Isabella's follow-up feels like it gets away from my original question.
Take responsibility + don't make it personal - Isabella talks about how the way I said it makes her feel silly and not taken seriously and that she is asking questions out of genuine concern.
Constructive questions - Okay, what's a good way to respond here that does not bother you? Or what's going on when you ask those follow-up questions
I know this all seems a bit formulaic and rarely do we think about it this way but upon reflecting this is generally how our conversations play out and it’s been massively important for our relationship.
Create a psychologically safe environment
Safety Is Foundational To Authenticity & Fulfillment - This one has been huge for us and we've worked many years to make this happen (still working here), but the basic point is you both need to feel safe in order to be authentic and completely yourselves with each other. If you can't feel completely at home with your partner, in my opinion, you'll never truly feel fulfilled.
I Get To Be Fully Myself - The version of myself that I am at home is pretty close to what you see in the wild with me, but there are some extra steps that only Isabella is privy to, which is a testament to how much she's made me feel like I can be myself. I'm speaking on her behalf here, but I think (hope this is true), the same goes for her. An example here is our level of silliness skyrockets when we're solo vs. with other humans. This includes a variety of voices, jokes, behaviors, and quirks that don't make it out into public. Here's how we've tried to build that environment
How We Create Safety At Home
Make Everything Okay - Your partner needs to feel like it’s okay to bring anything up. The way this happens is by encouraging your partner to bring anything up, expressing appreciation for sharing when it is brought up, and not flipping out when it does get brought up.
Seek To Understand, Avoid Evaluating - Avoid judgments, negative comments, or being intentionally hurtful. The goal is to understand where your partner is coming from. To build a strong partnership I think it’s key to develop a deep understanding of each other, not fix each other.
No cursing or yelling - Too violent of a communication style that jeopardizes open and honest exchange.
Ask for Processing Time - If you need a moment to be mad or feel something before talking, ask for it. It's okay to want to sit with your emotions before jumping into a discussion.
Don't Intentionally Hurt Each Other- Don't attack your partner’s vulnerabilities or use something shared in confidence against them. This is the easiest and quickest way to undermine trust and get your partner to not share anymore. Even if you have tons more examples doing stuff the right way, doing this just once can set you back many steps.
Don't walk away or shut down - Even if you're upset and need space, you need to communicate that you need space vs. just leaving a conversation or not answering because the alternative makes it seem like you don't care or that you're ignoring the other person. This makes the person less likely to share in the future.
Find out What Was Hard About Sharing, Make It Easier - Understand how it felt to communicate something and what was hard about communicating it. Work on making it easier to promote more dialogue.
Make Sharing Fun - We do things that we enjoy more often, plain and simple.
A safe environment has been huge because it’s the foundation for us to have a good communication flow. I'm a giant baby with stuff and don't like when I feel Isabella is being intentionally prickly with me, but she always does such a freaking great job being open to the stuff I'm sharing, which makes it easy to bring things up and work through them. On the other hand, Isabella wears her emotions on her sleeve and is quick to cry (a natural bodily reaction for her, not always because she's sad) and I think she appreciates that its very chill to cry at home and I don't make her feel like an alien.
Model transparency and openness consistently
You Are Responsible For Making Yourself Understood - You need to work hard to make sure your partner understands you, not the other way around. It's your responsibility to help your partner understand how you're feeling and what you're thinking because they don't live in your brain.
How Isa Has Been Transparent With Me - This is something I think Isabella and I do pretty well at this point because we started figuring this out from day 1 of being together. I remember early in our relationship (like 18 months in) Isabella called me out for not helping her plan, organize, and pack for a trip. I was taking the work she was doing for granted and she basically told me it sucked and she was extremely frustrated. This was dope as it was a really important wake-up call for me to be more involved in something that was important for both of us and was fun to do together.
How I Have Been Transparent With Isa - On another note, I remember in the first few months of our relationship when I felt guilty because I abandoned a plan I had made with Isa's family to do something with mine last minute due to some family issues. I remember I felt pretty guilty with the way Isa got sad/matter of fact about it and we talked through how it sucked to not be supported on being there for my family. All that said, it’s important to be able to say that stuff or anything for that matter, and to make transparency a priority. Here's how we approach it:
Our Approach To Being Transparent With Each Other
Share what is on your mind, nothing is too small - Literally don’t think there is anything you should not share. If it feels like it wants to come out, bring it up.
Try hard to put feelings into words - Again, your partner does not have telepathy, you need to try to put feelings into words. Most things going on in your head are not obvious to them.
Try to be specific about what you need - It’s tough to know how to adjust when the request is incredibly vague - i.e. I want you to support me. Try to be specific or admit that you don’t know what you mean by what you’re expressing and you need help figuring out what you need.
Don't sacrifice yourself - If you don't express and get what you need you won't be able to fully show up in the relationship and the relationship will suffer tremendously. If you think you’re doing a service to the broader unit, by sacrificing yourself and not being authentic, you will ultimately harm the unit as a whole because you won’t be there authentically.
Express delight when other is transparent - Encourse transparency by being thrilled your partner trusted you enough to be share.
Love = Unconditional Support
To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom. - J. Krishnamurti
If You Don’t Like What You Have, Pick Somebody Else - This is the person you chose. If you want someone different, pick someone else. Your job as a partner is to support your human and maximize them - not pick and choose the things you like or don't like. I know that might sound a bit harsh, but I mean it.
Life Is Finite, No One Has A Right Over Anyone Else’s & How They Live It - I believe our partners are humans with their own selves, wants, joys, limitations, etc. Their life is not ours to mold or to control, but one that they have allowed us to participate in. That is a great privilege and an enormous pleasure and it should be treated as such. In my opinion, trying to change, control, or otherwise disfigure who someone is, to me, is one of the greatest wrongs you can perform as a human - as a result, to me, the most fundamental lesson of a relationship is to unconditionally love, support, and augment your partner.
It’s Okay To Get Bothered By Stuff - Now, I want to caveat this by saying that you are human also and inevitably there are things your partner does that bother you. That is okay! That has nothing to do with your partner though and 100% to do with you. There is something you need that you're not getting.
An Example of What Bothered Isa And How She Always Embraced Me - For example, early in our relationship, I was a horrendous listener, I probably would cut Isabella off every third sentence, which I imagine is infuriating. Isabella never made me feel less than or tried to change me. That's who I was at the time and she loved me for it, not in spite of it because it was part of who I was and the things she liked about me.
That Does Not Mean You Should Not Express What You Need - That said, she needed to feel listened to and she told me "When you do X, it makes me sad because I feel like I'm talking to myself and I need to know you're paying attention." I got better at listening over time because I wanted to be a strong partner for Isa and wanted her to feel heard. This is crucially distinct from Isa threatening me, badgering me, and trying to force me to be different.
An Example of What Bothered Me And How I Always Embraced Isa - On the other hand, Isabella is one of the most thorough, detail-oriented, and thoughtful humans I've ever met. Sometimes her level of inspection bothers me because I feel more comfortable with moving forward without perfect information and I need her to roll with me in some of those moments. This bothered me a ton early on, but it took me a second to realize that the way Isabella "is" was extraordinary and I was just different in some aspects. It is up to us to figure out how to work together and what mix of approaches work better in each situation, but it is certainly not up to me to change Isa. Anyway, we have a few takeaways here that we believe in:
How We Approach Unconditional Support and Love
Accept your partner even in the behaviors that irk you - There is a reason your partner does the things they do, the way they do them. You may just not understand it yet or fully get its value. Try to understand it and accept that as part of who your partner is.
Show love often and frequently (it makes a difference) - This is a biggie. The higher couples display a ratio of positive to negative comments the more likely they are to stay together. Also, it’s just nice to hear your partner say kind things so express your love often.
Always seek to augment your partner - Build your partner up, don't tear them down. Let them know what was awesome about what they did, what you appreciate, what you admire, what makes you proud to be their partner. Building your partner up makes them feel more comfortable being fully themselves and a healthy relationship should nourish, not drain.
Express joy and delight with who your partner is - This is in the same vein as show love, but express delight with the human you have and show your gratitude.
Support Don't Tell - Look to understand, support, and be a sounding board for your partner. Don't tell them what to do. Your role is to love them and help them flourish not make their choices for them and the only way to help them flourish is to give them the freedom to be themselves.
Be fully present with them - You may be super busy with other stuff in your life but in the moments you have decided to be together be fully present (not in your head, not thinking about stuff, not on your own). Be there entirely. It makes a difference.
It's Been A Good First Year of Marriage and Strong 6 Years of Partnership
All in all, I hope some of these thoughts are helpful to you in your love life and partnerships. Finding Isabella has been the most fortuitous event of my life and building our partnership has been my greatest joy. I am unbelievably lucky and I hope some of these ideas can be helpful to you as you build yours. As always, thank you for reading, and don't hesitate to reach out.
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To Living Well,
Alvaro