A Statement on Flourishing
Unlocking humans and the impact that can have
I've become fascinated with the idea of how do we build lives of enduring joy where we can flourish as humans. That's kind of obvious I think given the topics we talk through on a weekly basis, but I've mostly summarized ideas on this topic rather than directly share my own thoughts on it and today I'd like to talk about why I believe this is so important.
A friend of mine is a coach for entrepreneurs, executives, and other individuals that are in positions where their performance is highly correlated with the success of an organization. I remember we were discussing putting together a series on topics related to flourishing and I kept trying to get us to "pin down" the material we were going to cover.
At one point he stopped me and said "the material or topic you start with does not matter". I remember being confused and asking him what he meant. The topics are are helpful for people to their heads wrapped around how this stuff impacts us and to do"
He responded, "Think of the topics as apples on a tree. The apples are what people reach for, grab, and want to taste. A bunch of apples are typically connected to a branch and those branches connect back to a singular tree trunk. Flourishing is like that.
We think we're talking about listening to people, or about building a stronger relationship with our cousin, but all those topics have their root in the exact same thing".
I've thought about that a lot since that day and I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. People's ability to flourish is I think heavily tied to their ability to cultivate a healthy mind and body. That is the tree trunk in this story.
I believe that our ability to feel good, to form strong relationships, to navigate life's challenges and transitions with grace, to come together effectively to solve problems is made better or worse by the health of our mind and body.
It's Not Our Abilities, It's Our Mind That Stops Us
I have a working theory that people's ability to flourish or to accomplish the things they want in their lives is less correlated with their abilities and their intelligence (emotional or intellectual) and more correlated with their thought patterns.
One thought pattern that I see hold a lot of people back is negative story telling.
What Will Other People Think - The amount of wasted energy on this one is enormous I think. How will this person perceive me if I do this? Will they think this is good or bad? Will they think I am good or bad? This is distinct from thoughtfulness (i.e. thinking about how something will come across and folding that into how you say or approach something).
What Does This Mean About Me - When we stop ourselves from doing things or get stuck ruminating because of what we feel an outcome or an action will speak about who we are and what we are capable of.
Why They Did That - When we spend time guessing as to why someone did something or said something a certain way and we use that to make assumptions or judgements about who they are, how they are, and what prompted them to act or speak in that way.
The Paradox of Choice - When we get caught up in is this the right decision or is this the best decision. This happens a lot when we have a lot of choice. The possibilities are endless and we get caught up in trying to process an impossible amount of information and get stuck in whether or not our choice is "perfect".
Living In Generalities - When we get caught up in labeling things as a way to help us understand or define our experience. The work I did was good. That person was mean. I don't want to fail. I want this person to think I'm nice. Labels, like all words, are tools we use to communicate but they have a tendency to simplify reality and confuse what's true. When we get stuck in labels we have a hard time seeing what's really true.
What Will Happen? - When we get stuck in the uncertainty of the future. A lot of this comes from fear and an aversion to certain outcomes. Our response to fear or aversion can often come with us trying to control more of the world around us. When we're faced with things we can't control (i.e. an uncertain future) we get stuck trying to predict outcomes. If I do this, what will happen? How do I know this is the right choice or the right decision?
This stuff is all pretty normal I think and my guess would be almost everyone experiences some of the above. That’s okay. I think that’s part of being human. That said, I think recognizing that these are stories we tell and that they are not always necessarily grounded in truth or that they’re not necessarily the kinds of stories that will help us I think can help us relate to them in a healthier way.
What Does A "Flourishing" World Look Like
An idea that excites me is what would the world look like if more people were "flourishing"? For one I think people would feel better more often and that alone I think is worth striving for.
Second, I think you'd have a ton of other benefits associated with it:
People would collaborate more effectively
People would be at their best more often
People would understand themselves better
People would understand others better
People would form stronger relationships
People would communicate more effectively
People would show up more authentically and earnestly
People would have more fun and things less seriously
People would look for and see truth more easily
How Do We Get There? - A Road Map To Flourishing
I think Flourishing requires a holistic approach to our well-being. A focus on the mind, the body, and the integration between the two. My favorite way to bucket well-being is through the model H-PERMA
Health - How are we treating our bodies
Physical Fitness & Movement - How do you feel in your own body? I think that's the ultimate sign of physical health. How do you build a disease free, flexible, and capable body?
Nutrition - This is closely linked with physical fitness & movement in that it has a high impact on how you feel in your own body and keeping it healthy/disease free.
Positive Emotion - How healthy is our mind
I think there are a few practices that are key here:
Mindfulness - How aware are we of the present moment? How much separation do we have between stimuli and our consciousness/awareness of those stimuli?
Skillful Response - When we are grounded in an awareness of the present moment, how able are we to skillfully respond to and act in that moment.
Do we get caught up in thoughts, identities, memories, in things not changing?
Do we react impulsively to stimuli?
Do we tell ourselves stories or do we lean into curiosity and look for truth?
Do we hold space for (or take care of) ourselves and others?
Engagement - Are We Leaning Into and Exercising Our Strengths?
It helps to be at our best when we recognize our talents, our tendencies, our likes, and we find opportunities to lean into them regularly.
I think the human body and mind is meant to be exercised and activated. It sees to thrive when it is exercise. As a result, finding ways to channel what you love and are great at is a key component of flourishing.
How often are you doing something you enjoy daily?
What are you doing that you're good at or like spending time doing?
Do you feel appropriately challenged in your day to day? Are you pushing the boundaries of your capabilities in a way that is both challenging and rewarding?
Figuring the above out is often hard or not clear. We're often told that we can be and do whatever we want in life, which in my opinion is an unhealthy thing to tell people and not true.
While people may be talented or capable enough to do anything I don’t think that necessarily means they should. We each have a unique set of experiences, talents, inclinations, tendencies, and limitations. That combination is unique and specific to us. The more we can test and learn things about ourselves on a daily basis, the more we learn about what makes us tick and what makes brings us joy.
The alternate idea - i.e. we can be and do whatever we want - puts us in a situation where we look outward at the world for answers. "Well, if I can be and do whatever I want than what is the best thing to be and do". People choose different heuristics for figuring out what is the "best" thing to be and do:
Different Heuristics For Figuring Out What To Be And Do
Financial Success
Personal Freedom
Happiness and Enjoyment
Autonomy
Follow In The Steps Of People We Admire, Listen To As An Authority, or Look Up To
This idea I think can leave people lost trying to figure out the best way to be. Models, ideas, and services I like for strengthening your inner voice and paying attention to yourself to figure out what would leverage your strengths and likes include:
Models
Books
Let Your Life Speak - Parker Palmer
Awaken The Giant Within - Tony Robbins
Design Your Life - Standford
Services
Life Coach (call Josh, he's incredible)
Relationships - The quality and strength of our bonds with others
Building strong relationships is a skill that we learn over time and is key for a long and healthy life. Some of the important relationships that we can focus on include:
Communal - Are we part of a community? Do we have a group we're invested, contribute to, and are a part of? Do we actively support and help that community?
Friendships - Do we have people we care about, we cherish, we want to be there for and hang out with?
Romantic - Do we have people we have romantic feelings for, that we care for, that we want to share life activities with?
Intellectual - Do we have people where we challenge each other to learn and grow? Do we have people that we enjoy debating with and learning from?
Spiritual - Do we have people that we share ideas with on faith and beliefs? Do we have people that we discuss the more ethereal aspects of life with - purpose, meaning, connection, etc?
I think these are the five key areas of relationship building and relationships require skills like the following:
Listening - Are we present in our conversations? Are we really listening to the people in our life or are we listening through a lens (our ideas, our past experiences with that person, our desires, etc). Does the person feel heard? Does the person feel understood?
Feeling - Are we present with our own feelings when speaking to others? Are we aware of how others and what they say/do make us feel? Are we actively paying attention to how the relationship is affecting us?
Communicating - Are we communicating in a way that makes the other person feel heard? Are we communicating in a way that helps people feel safe, strong, and supported with us?
Boundary Setting - Are we creating space for ourselves when we need it and being clear about how things affect us and make us feel? Are we taking care of ourselves in relationship?
Acting - Are we acting in a way that makes our relationships feel valued and supported? Do we think about them, do we take into account how they feel, what they say, and what they do? Are we there for them when they need us (materially, emotionally, and spiritually)?
Relationship Mindset - Do we approach our relationships from a compassionate and generous mindset or we do approach them from an ego-centric mindset (i.e. they said this to me, they did this to us, they did not do this thing I thought they should have done, etc). One puts you in a healthy, open mindset with your relationships, the other puts you in a defensive, judgmental state.
The better we get at recognizing and valuing our relationships as well as strengthening them, the more resilient and fulfilled we can be throughout life.
Meaning - What's Pulling You Forward & How Do You Make Sense of Experience?
I think a key part of developing meaning is actively working towards finding it in your life. I don't think meaning drops from the sky into your head - i.e. it's not a passive exercise where you can think your way into meaning.
I think we "find" meaning (key word is find) by doing and throwing ourselves head first into our lives. Where to throw yourself? I don't think it really matters to be honest and I think having a bias for action and moving forward/trying things makes finding that meaning more likely and finding it happen more quickly.
I think you can find meaning in a ton of different areas of your life and the more areas that you find meaningful, the more resilient, and the healthier I think we are as individuals:
Meaningful work
Meaningful relationships
Meaningful hobbies
Meaningful experiences and adventures
Meaningful conversations
Meaningful ideas
I recently heard that one of the worst places for someone to be mentally is when they are in a situation where there is no justice and where they feel hopeless. I think that's a powerful idea because we can often times control the latter. In situations that are unfair, challenging, or unexplainable - can we find hope and cultivate meaning?
The better we are at finding meaning in life, the more resilient we are to setbacks and the stronger our drive to explore and live I think.
Achievements - What Are You Setting Your Sights On?
What games have you decided to play in life and what goals are fun to go after? I think we choose the games we want to play in our world and setting goals is a way to keep us interested and engaged as well as give us things to aim for.
Learn three languages
Shoot 90% from the free throw line
Build a product that helps people talk to dogs
Be an awesome dad
I use the word games not because our endeavors are not serious, but because I think it helps frame what we're doing in the world when we engage in activities. The definition of game is "a form of play or sport, especially a competitive one played according to rules and decided by skill, strength, or luck."
Most of the stuff we do is governed by certain rules (informal and formal). Additionally, most of the outcomes we strive for will depend on the rules of the game (what are we allowed to do), what others do, and our own skill, strength, or luck.
With that in mind, what outcomes would be rewarding to strive for?
An Open Mind Is A Free & Healthy Mind
At the end of the day I think number one and two (health and positive emotions) are the baselines for the rest of the things that can help us flourish. We're well aware of the importance of health and physical fitness to our well-being, and I think we're finally awakening to the importance of psychological fitness and well-being as fundamental to our ability to thrive in life.
Ultimately, I think a mind that is free is a mind that is healthy. I think that includes:
Non-grasping - Strives to be open and does not try and hold onto things (ideas, identifies, beliefs, current realities, etc)
Non-avoiding - One that tries honestly to look and pay attention to things that cause it suffering, unpleasantness, or negative emotions .
Non-deluded - Earnestly looks for truth.
I think a focus on the above three can help unlock a human's ability to thrive . I think this is useful and impactful in any role we choose to play in life:
Parents - I think we can become better stewards of our kids if we have a psychologically fit mind.
Professionals - I think we become more creative, more discerning, and wiser in our lines of work if we invest in strengthening our mental fitness.
Friends & Community Members - I think we show up more authentically and compassionately, which helps others and our communities thrive when we have a healthier mind.
World - I think we can become better stewards of our planet and protect something that is our responsibility to take care of.
How Do You Work At It?
I think there are a combination of things that are key here to work at strengthening our mental fitness:
Learn - Understand and study the concepts behind a healthy and psychologically fit mind
Practice - Practice applying those concepts in your daily life when you are out in the world doing stuff. I think its also helpful to include those individual practices where you can control your environment a bit better (i.e. meditation, journaling, walking, hiking, etc) to help strengthen your ability to practice around others.
Dialogue - Talk to an expert and share your experiences. Develop a relationship with someone that can help you think through some of this stuff.
Reflect - Carve out moments and practices to think about how you're feeling, thinking, and acting. Try to learn more about yourself.
Participate - Talk to other people that are interested in their health. Learn from other people's experiences and share your own.
Ultimately I think our ability to live our lives in a manner that we are proud of starts with strengthening our psychology and developing a mentally fit brain. I think the outcomes we stand to gain from these efforts both personally and for the world are worth us trying hard to strengthen these muscles.